Anna inwardly sighed in relief when she saw that the midday rush was slowly abating. There were only two people left in her queue. The young man next in line only wanted a plain latte, and after finishing his order and receiving payment she turned to the last person. She paused briefly when she saw the girl's hair had a peculiar shade of blonde, almost platinum, but quickly shook her head and dismissed the thought.
“Hi, and welcome to Tiana's. What can I get for you today?” she asked in the rehearsed voice of a veteran barista. The customer's head almost violently snapped up, the phone she'd been engrossed in completely forgotten. Her mouth hung open slightly, and even though most of her face was covered by large shades, Anna knew that she was staring at her. It made her feel very uncomfortable.
After a few moments of terse silence, the blonde finally uttered a word.
“Anna?”
It was barely above a whisper, but it shot right through the redhead. 'That voice...no, it can't possibly be...'
“E-Elsa?!”
With a shaking hand the blonde slowly removed her shades, and any doubts Anna may have had were obliterated when she saw those eyes. That particular hue of blue she hadn't seen in over eight years.
Something short-circuited in her brain, because the only logical course of action she could think of was to vault over the counter and envelop Elsa in the most fierce and bone-crushing hug she could muster, and that's just what she did. Anna didn't even register the stares of the few patrons still milling around, and when she felt Elsa return the hug with equal force the tears just started flowing.
“My god, Elsa.” she hiccuped, not caring in the slightest that she was probably ruining the blonde's shirt. The wetness she felt on her neck told her the feeling was mutual. She only pulled back when she was startled by a strange hand on her shoulder, and whirled around to come face to face with her boss, who was barely concealing her smirk.
“I take it you want to take your break?” she said, mirth coating her voice.
Anna furiously rubbed at her eyes, and slowly became aware of stacks of paper cups and plastic lids she had knocked over in her stunt. A fierce blush took over her face.
“Sorry, Ti.” she said, ducking her head. “I-I'll clean that up right now.”
“I'll take care of it, sweetheart.” Tiana said with a dismissive gesture. “I have a feeling that you two have a lot of catching up to do.”
Anna soundly ignored her boss and made for picking up the clutter on the floor, but Tiana resolutely tugged on her shirt and stared her straight in the eyes. “Take your break, Anna. That's an order.”
The redhead smiled gratefully and turned around again, seeing Elsa had taken a few steps back, hugging her mid-section and stealing furtive glances around the establishment. 'Some habits never go away.' she thought.
“So...” she said after a few seconds of awkward silence. “Are you, um, free right now? Apparently I'm on break if you, I don't know, want to...talk?”
“I have a few minutes, but I don't want to impose.” Elsa mumbled, pointedly avoiding looking Anna in the eyes.
“Nonsense, I'd love to sit down with you. Tiana's right, we really have a lot of catching up to do.” Elsa seemed to draw into herself even further, so she quickly added: “Well, we don't have to catch up. We can just talk, you know, about stuff. The weather!”
Her flush grew even more pronounced, but she felt relieved when she heard Elsa chuckle softly.
“Good to know you still won't let your brain get in the way of your mouth.”
“Har har.” Anna groused, but could barely contain her elation. “Why don't we sit down?” she said, pointing to an empty table in the back corner of the café, well away from any other people.
“Gladly.” the blonde replied and, after picking up the shades that had somehow fallen to the floor, gracefully walked over and sat down. Anna followed her and plopped down into the opposite chair.
She took this time to really look Elsa over. The girl had changed. Gone were the soft angles in her face that had initially fueled her crush. She looked gaunt and exhausted, with dark circles under her eyes. Haggard was the word that came to mind. Despite the heat she was wearing a black, long-sleeved shirt that should have been form-fitting, but only hung loosely from her frame. But despite everything, she was still the most beautiful creature Anna had ever seen. She now started to notice little things, too. Like the small scar that, barely visible, intersected her upper lip. The small hole in the corner of her mouth were, until recently, a piercing must have been.
“You look good.” Elsa said, startling Anna from her observations.
“Thanks.” she replied, nervously tucking an invisible strand of red hair behind her ear. “You, um, you too!”
Elsa merely arched an eyebrow, and Anna knew that she could still see right through her. She was saved from further embarrassment by Tiana, who dropped off two mugs of iced cocoa with whipped cream.
“Thanks, but I didn't order anything.” Elsa said with a polite smile.
“Don't worry, hon, it's on the house.” the dark-skinned woman replied with a wink before sauntering away again.
Anna's eyes immediately lit up and she didn't waste any time, bringing the mug to her lips and taking big gulps.
“It's also good to know you still have absolutely no restraint when it comes to chocolate.” Elsa teased around the rim of her mug, taking a dainty sip. When she looked up again she barely managed to suppress a snort.
“What?” Anna said, eyebrows scrunched together.
“You've got cream on your nose.”
Anna flushed once again and rubbed at the tip of her nose with a napkin.
“Is it gone?”
“Yeah. Slob.”
Anna stuck out her tongue in reply. Elsa laughed, a high, melodious chime that reminded Anna why she had actually fallen for her in the first place. Why, deep down, she still yearned for her. Even after all these years. The realization made her face fall, and Elsa noticed before she could cover it up. Another heavy silence descended upon them.
While Elsa nursed her drink, Anna desperately wracked her brain for something to break the silence, to jump-start the conversation again. In true and tested fashion, she blurted out the first thing she could think of.
“So, what brings you to L.A.?”
Elsa, surprised by the sudden question, almost choked on her cocoa, and had to cough a few times to clear her windpipe again.
“I could ask you the same question.” she remarked neutrally.
“Come on, I asked you first!” Anna whined.
“What are you, ten?” Elsa replied with a roll of her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. She acquiesced when Anna, instead of answering literally put her foot down forcefully, arms crossed.
“Alright, alright. Jeez, still as stubborn as a mule.” She paused for a bit, collecting her thoughts. “After we had moved to Oregon it got easier. For a while. No one knew me, no one knew about the video. But it still ate away at me. My parents, I know they meant well, but they hovered over my shoulder every single day. It was suffocating. A few days after my 18th birthday I ran away. Well, it's not really running away if you're of legal age, but you get what I mean.”
Anna nodded, and motioned for her to continue.
“I had nowhere to go, didn't know anyone, but some people offered to take me in. Just like that. I should have realized they were a bad crowd, but at the time I was desperate for a place to stay, for attention from people who didn't treat me like I was made of glass. The building was a squat, about ten people already lived there. I stayed for a year and I did...did things I'm not proud of.”
Anna could see her eyes misting over and was about to tell her to stop, but Elsa continued just as she'd opened her mouth.
“After...after I got out of there I started drifting. Going wherever I fancied, never staying long. Eventually I ended up here, five years ago, and started making a living as a freelance artist. That's...well, that's basically it.”
The redhead knew that Elsa was leaving out some very important bits of the story, but she didn't want to pry. Right now she was just glad to see her again, to even know she was still alive.
“So, how about you?” Elsa asked after she'd regained her composure.
Anna chuckled. “Oh well, you know, the standard fare. Girl from the east coast with grand illusions of fame and fortune, coming to L.A. to make her breakthrough as a musician...”
Elsa's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline. “So you actually did follow your dream?”
“You know me, Els.” Anna replied light-heartedly, “Go big or go home has always been my motto.”
“I always thought it was 'More chocolate!'” Elsa replied with a smirk, before glancing around the café. “So, um, what happened?”
Anna laughed at the question, having expected it. “Well, we finished mixing my first album yesterday, and it'll hit the shelves in about two months.”
She couldn't suppress the shit-eating grin taking over her face when Elsa's chin hit the table. It was actually the first time she'd seen the blonde doing an open-mouth stare, and was tempted to snap a quick picture just so she would have actual proof.
“Y-you're kidding me, right?” Elsa managed to utter after a while.
Instead of responding, Anna fingered her phone out of her pocket, opened a photo album and slid it across the table. “Take a look for yourself.”
Elsa swiped through the pictures, a stupid smile on her face. A few were of Anna, standing at a microphone or with a guitar hanging from her shoulder, but mostly they were just of people goofing around with their instruments or looking at computer screens with an adorable seriousness.
“So, are you in a band?” Elsa asked, still looking over the photos.
“No, those are hired session musicians. I wrote all of the music myself.”
Elsa smiled goofily. “What's the album called? Wait, do you have an alias? Will you go on tour? I wanna see you play live, you'll let me now when you're playing a show, right?!”
Anna laughed, and took back the phone. “Look at that, usually I'm the one with the motor-mouth.”
“I'm just excited for you.” Elsa mumbled through a smirk.
“I know you are.” Anna replied with a smile. “And, well, let's see if I remembered all that. No, I don't have an alias; yes, I'll go on tour; yes, I'll definitely let you know when I'm playing a show; and the album is called 'Eternal Love; Singing Aloud'.”
She blushed and ducked her head. “It's a backronym.”
“A backronym?”, Elsa echoed, going over the words in her head. Her smile slowly died and turned into a deep frown.
“Anna...I-I'm so...sorry doesn't cut it. I...I never meant for it to happen like it did.”
Anna shook her head, trying to force a smile to her lips. “It's okay Elsa. I understand. I really do. We were both young, we were both in over our heads. I hoped it would be different when you said your family would be moving, but...deep down, I expected it to turn out the way it did.”
“That still doesn't make it right, Anna.” Elsa replied forcefully.
Anna could see how the blonde as working herself up over this, could see the guilt over ceasing all contact whatsoever swirling in her eyes, even after all those years. She made to grab Elsa's hand lying on the table, trying to comfort her, but Elsa yanked it away as if she'd been burned. Anna flinched visibly.
“You shouldn't...I have...I have to go!” Elsa ground out, quickly gathering her purse.
“Elsa, wait, please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...do whatever I did to upset you!”
Elsa stilled her frantic movements and looked Anna in the eyes. “I really have to go, Anna. I have an important appointment in-”she looked at her phone “oh god, 20 minutes that I can't miss. Really, it was nothing you did.”
Anna nodded dejectedly. “It's okay, Elsa. Really. It was nice seeing you again.” She knew Elsa saw right through the smile she forced onto her face.
The blonde briefly worried her bottom lip between her teeth, before taking a deep breath. “When do you get off tonight?” she finally asked.
Anna looked at her, dumbstruck. “Uh, five I think. Why?”
Elsa rummaged through her purse and pulled out a card and a pencil, scribbling something onto the paper.
“Here's my address.” she said, handing it over to Anna. “If you want to...I...there's a few things I can't really talk about in public, and I feel like I owe you a real explanation. So, uh, if you want to you can...come over, I guess, when your shift is over.”
A brief smile flitted over her features before she ducked her head abashedly and, after shouldering her bag, abruptly turned around and walked towards the exit. Before she left she turned around again and waved, smiling in earnest this time.
Anna only recovered from her daze when Tiana poked her in her stomach and brought the hand holding the business card to her face.
“Elsa Arendelle, Art and Design” she read out loud.
“Was that the Elsa?” she asked, brows raised.
“Yeah.” Anna murmured, unsure which emotion would come out on top of the thunderstorm whirling in her head right now. Elsa was back in her life. Elsa was back! A stupidly large smile finally took over her face, before Tiana lightly smacked her over the head.
“Quit slacking off if you want to get off at five.” she said with a smirk. Anna immediately leapt into action.
Anna stood in front of an unassuming brownstone, smack dab in the middle of the Arts District. It was a neighborhood in the middle of being gentrified, the rough edges slowly being sanded away by the many up and coming moving there, and the small businesses setting up shop. But it still held a certain rugged charm, and in a way it just made sense that Elsa lived here. She gathered all her courage and, hesitantly, almost gingerly, pressed the button on the intercom.
When nothing happened for almost a minute her heart sank, and she debated whether or not to just leave, when static rasped through the speaker.
“Anna?”
Her heart soared up from the pit it had been in just from hearing her voice. “Yeah, it's me.”
The door buzzed. “Third floor. Take the elevator, and then to your right.”
She did as instructed, and stood in front of an unassuming door moments later. Before she could even knock the door was opened, and there Elsa stood. She had changed into sweatpants and another long-sleeved shirt, and wore her hair in the braid Anna loved so much. She liked to think Elsa had braided it just for her.
“Glad you could make it.” Elsa said with a smile. “Come on in!”
She stepped back and allowed her to enter. Anna took in the apartment, a loft that seemed to consist of just one room. There were no clear delineations, but she could make out what looked like a living space with a couch, TV, and stereo, next to a cooking niche with a high island and some stools around. The walls were the same brownstone as the building's facade, but covered in pictures and canvases. Many were hung with a black cloth, blocking them from view.
“Did you bring takeout?”
The question startled her, and she dumbly looked at the plastic bags in her hand.
“Uh, yeah. Yeah I did. I wasn't sure if you'd eaten yet, but you still like Chinese, right?”
Elsa smiled again, warm and genuine. She looked much more at ease now than she did in the café.
“I do. Thanks.”
The blonde took the bags from her hand, careful not to let their fingers brush, and set them down on the kitchen island. Anna made to follow, but stopped at a quick “Shoes off!”
“Wow, Elsa, this place is just...wow.” She craned up her head and looked at the ceiling, at least 10 feet up. “I would've gone into art as well if I knew I could afford something like this.”
“It's not as expensive as it looks.” Elsa said with a smirk. “A bitch to heat, though.”
She walked into the room, trying to take in every detail. “Well, it's certainly out of my league.”
“Not for long, Miss about-to-be-a-superstar.”
Anna blushed and ducked her head.
“Do you want me to give you a tour, or eat first?”
“I'd love to see everything!” she said enthusiastically, but her stomach chose that moment to growl loudly.
Elsa actually snorted. “Sure about that?” she teased.
The redhead flushed even further and glanced down at her belly, muttering “Traitor.” under her breath. “Alright, dinner first.” she conceded.
Elsa smiled and went about moving the boxes from the bags. “Jesus, how much did you bring? You could feed an army with that.”
“Well, I thought a little bit of everything would be nice.” Anna replied, not mentioning how she actually worried whether or not Elsa could afford enough food. Turns out she needn't have worried after all.
They ate and shared stories of the good old days, the few happy ones they had. It was pleasant and light-hearted, and Anna was glad to see Elsa smile and laugh. After they had finished they lounged around, taking the conversation here and there, never venturing into anything too serious.
“Honestly though, how can you afford that? Do you make so much with your art?”
Elsa smiled bashfully. “I'm not rich, but I get by. I mostly do commissions, and I have a patreon page that keeps me afloat between big projects.”
“Commissions? Like what?”
“Well, mostly on the internet...you know that Disney movie that blew up a few years ago? About the two sisters?
Anna rolled her eyes. “If I have to hear Let It Go one more time I'll get a lobotomy.”
Elsa got a devious smile and headed to the stereo, fiddling with the iPod connected to it. She cued up the soundtrack of the movie.
“Elsaaaaaa.” she groaned. “You're killing me!”
“What?” the blonde replied with a laugh. “It's a good soundtrack.”
“Maybe.” Anna groused. “But what about that movie?”
Elsa leaned in with a conspiratorial smirk. “You wouldn't believe how many requests and commissions I get for the two sisters. Together.”
“Wait, as in...” Her eyebrows shot up when Elsa nodded. “Seriously?! Man, people are fucked up.”
“I don't judge.” Elsa replied with a chuckle.
They sat in silence for a while, listening to the music with half an ear while gazing at each other. The sense of familiarity was almost painful.
“So, how about that tour you mentioned earlier?” Anna finally said.
“Right. There isn't much you haven't already seen, but follow me.”
They got up and Elsa showed her around. There was a small bedroom connected to an equally small bathroom, and a moderately-sized storage room. Most of the loft was apparently indeed taken up by the large living space.
“Wait, what about that door?” Anna said, pointing at said door at the opposite side of the room.
Elsa started fidgeting. “That's my atelier. It's not much to look at, really, and also kinda messy. I never properly clean it up.”
“I'd still like to see. C'mon Els, how bad can it be?”
Elsa still hesitated, but caved eventually. She lead her over to the door, but paused before opening it. “Just...promise not to make a big deal out of this, okay?”
Anna nodded, but didn't understand why this was such a big deal for the blonde. It became painfully apparent once Elsa opened the door and turned on the light. The room was about half as big as the living space, and filled with a mess of easels and blank canvases, large, paint-splattered cloths spread over the floor, and a large portrait hanging on the far wall...of her.
She was stunned. Gobsmacked. Slowly, she walked up to the painting, extending a hand and faintly brushing over the canvas. It was done with oil colors and she could feel the small bumps.
“You...you painted me?” she breathed, more to herself.
“Yeah” Elsa said quietly. “You always were my muse.”
Anna whipped around, her mind slowly connecting the dots. “All the paintings you covered up?”
The blonde merely nodded.
Anna brushed past her, out into the living room and went up to the first covered painting, yanking down the cloth.
“Anna, wait, please!”
The redhead ignored her, taking in the painting. Again a portrait, this time done just with pencil. On to the next, and the next, and the next, over a dozen covered paintings and pictures, all with her as motive. Some were nude but never in suggestive poses, but Anna couldn't even blush over the turmoil raging in her. Most of the pictures, however, were just of her face. Always wearing the same expression: a warm gleam in her eyes, and that half-smile that had always made Elsa putty in her hands.
She turned around, her piercing gaze honing in on the blonde, who stood hunched over next to the couch, hands crossed over her stomach, looking mere moments away from starting to cry.
“You never stopped loving me.” Anna said. It was a statement. A fact. The evidence surrounding her, staring at her, tauntingly throwing a dozen half-smiles from canvas and paper.
“Yes.” Elsa whispered, the first tears leaving her eyes.
In a flash Anna had crossed the room, stopping just a hair's breadth from Elsa, staring deep into her eyes. She cupped her cheeks, brushing away the tears with her thumbs, and leaned in. Elsa closed her eyes, but before their lips could connect she recoiled away, turning around with shaking shoulders.
“I'm sorry Anna. I can't.” she forced out through sobs.
“Why, Elsa?! Tell me why!”
She hadn't meant to shout, but the sudden fury coursing through her veins wouldn't allow for anything else.
“I just can't!” Elsa yelled back, turning around again, eyes red-rimmed and puffy.
Anna noticed she'd started crying too. Eight years. Eight years of rejection, of hurt, of failed relationships, of 'I'm not good enough'.
“You owe me an explanation, Elsa! You can't stand there and say you love me, and then not tell me why we can't be together!”
Elsa collapsed onto the couch, burying her face in her hands. “I...I never m-m-meant for any of this to h-happen! I'm s-s-so sorry Anna.”
The redhead sobered up, the red haze of rage leaving her as quickly as it had come. She sat down as well, conscious to give Elsa the space she so ferociously demanded, and tiredly rubbed at her eyes.
“Please, just...just tell me why, Elsa. I just need a reason. That's all I'm asking.”
She sounded exhausted. Defeated.
Elsa didn't answer for a long time. Even though the crying stopped eventually, they still just sat next to each other, not speaking, each hanging after their own thoughts. It almost startled Anna when Elsa did speak up.
“I'm positive, Anna.”
“Huh? What?”
Elsa turned to her, her face red and blotchy.
“That year I lived in the squat, in Portland. I said earlier that I did some things I'm not proud of. I'll tell you. You're right, I owe you. You deserve to know.”
She paused, gathering her thoughts.
“I...I was vulnerable. I didn't really trust the people living there, but on my third night, Eddie, the informal leader of the group, offered me something. He said it would make all my worries go away. Make me feel like I'd never felt before. Happy, pure, strong, whatever I wanted. I was hesitant at first, but eventually gave in.”
She paused again and took off her shirt. She was wearing a tank top underneath, and almost causally turned her left arm towards the redhead. Anna's hands shot to her mouth, eyes filling with tears again when she saw the marks.
“It was the first night I did heroin. I didn't know what to expect, and the high just...completely overwhelmed me. First there was just this rush up my arm, tingling, and then it hit. It was...indescribable, really. Everything was bliss. Everything was beautiful. Nothing could ever take me down. It was pure, unadulterated joy to simply be alive. I don't know how long it lasted, but it seemed to go on forever. Eventually it ended, and when I looked at the world, it was this dreadful place again, this place where I'd hurt everyone I've ever loved. I needed more. That feeling, that high, was the best thing I'd ever experienced. Everything else became meaningless.
“They gave it to me for free, at first. After some time, however, they demanded payment. I had no money, so they let me pay by other means. I don't know how often I've slept with them , just to get my next fix. They tossed their used needles at me, made me use them. I got pregnant at some point, and only noticed when I had a miscarriage. But all of that didn't matter, because I had my high. I only got out because the police raided the building, and my father, of all people, found my lying in a puddle of my own vomit and piss. He hasn't been the same since. My parents sent me to rehab, but I never went back to them. I occasionally send them letters to let them know I'm still alive and doing well, but I haven't seen them since. They don't know I'm positive. No one knows. Except you.”
Elsa had drawn her knees to her chin, hugging her legs tightly. She had delivered her story in such a detached, dispassionate voice, but now she was trembling all over. Anna, sitting on the other end of the couch, had her eyes screwed shut and shook her head.
“You don't...Elsa, you...you can't...this can't be true. Please!” she wheezed, willing all of this to be a bad dream.
“I'm sorry, Anna.” Elsa replied, once again tears in her eyes. “I wish it weren't, but it's true. I have HIV.”
The ensuing silence was only broken by Anna's faint sobs and sniffles. Elsa didn't dare to look up. She didn't want to see the revulsion on Anna's face, the irrational fear. She was startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“What are you doing?” Elsa asked, trying to shake off Anna's hand, but the redhead wouldn't budge; instead coming closer. “Anna, what...didn't you listen?!”
“I did.” the redhead replied, “I don't care.”
In one fluid motion Anna brought their lips together. Elsa froze, completely overwhelmed. It was the first time she'd been kissed in over six years. It was a chaste kiss, nothing like the heated exchanges of tongue and lust they'd shared as teenagers, but it felt better than any kiss she had ever had. It took all of her willpower to push Anna away and disentangle herself.
“Don't, Anna. Please don't I'm...I'm dangerous! If I infected you I couldn't...I couldn't live with myself.”
“You're not dangerous, Elsa!” Anna said, cupping Elsa's face and turning her head, looking her straight in the eyes. “Are you getting treatment?” Elsa nodded. “How high is your viral load?”
“Undetectable. I got the results from my latest test today. The appointment I had...h-how do you know about this?”
Anna smiled gravely. “Tiana's brother-in-law is also positive. I did some research because I was worried. I'm not worried about you infecting me! I can be careful. I can start PrEP therapy next thing tomorrow morning. Elsa, I still love you. I love you so much it hurts just looking at you. Please don't push me away. Please!”
A warm feeling spread through Elsa's body, an emotion she hadn't felt in a long, long time. Hope. But she couldn't. Just one mistake would be enough, just one mistake and Anna would be doomed. Cursed for the rest of her life. The mere thought almost made her lose her dinner.
“It's too risky, Anna!”
Anna cupped her face with both hands. “It's not, Elsa. You were gone for eight years. I'd thought I'd lost you forever! Seeing you again was...indescribable. The best feeling in the world. Please don't give up on me, on yourself...on us, just because of this...this inconvenience!”
Elsa brushed her fingers over Anna's, eyes closed. She wanted this. She wanted this so badly. But what if?
“I need time, Anna.” she said, opening her eyes again. “I need time to think about this.”
Anna let her hands drop, grabbing onto Elsa's and holding them tightly. “That's alright. If time is what you need, then you'll have it. Just...just promise you won't just disappear again. Promise!”
Elsa allowed a brief smile onto her lips. “I promise, Anna. You know where I live, you have my number. I...I wouldn't mind doing some things together. As friends, for now.”
Anna beamed at her, absolutely ecstatic. “How about we go out for dinner one of these days? There's this Mexican place that makes the most amazing burritos ever.”
“I'd like that.” Elsa replied, giving Anna's hands a squeeze.